Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
