I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Randomize
