Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
