I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
