I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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