We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
