I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
