So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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