Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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