Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
