Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
