He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
