The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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