I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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