And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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