I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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