the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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