There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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