My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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