I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
