I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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