She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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