Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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