She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
