I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
