his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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