I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
