Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
