I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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