Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
