You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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