a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
