i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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