haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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