Pregnant stripper...not hot.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
