I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
