Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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