Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
