dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
