im drinking this country out of the recession.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
