we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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