Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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