I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
