Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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