I heard we made out
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
