Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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