Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
