You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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