I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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