can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
