The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
