...so i touched it.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
