you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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