I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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