I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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