I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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