you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
