'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
