My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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