'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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